Bad Day: Relapse?

Hello everyone!

I guess everyone goes through their good and bad days. I have been working 7 days a week since this past Summer. Although I love my new job, it is very tiring to me. Along with going to school 5 days a week, I barely have time to do anything for myself, like... sleep maybe. I don't have any down time to spend with my son either and I feel like I'm missing out so much of his life... What can you do? Bills have to be paid.

First pic of my Sam and I at Jackson
Memorial Hospital: 4/14/2005

I am a single mother of a wonderful little boy. I do not get any child support (the NC Child Support Agency has yet to settle that down with the sperm donor... I only applied in Nov. 2011, mind you.) 
I am well aware that it could be worse. My mother and child are healthy and so am I and that's a blessing... I just truly wish I could find the strength to be perfect and never get tired. Truth is, I am exhausted.

I managed to somehow, someway get a B in my 8-week Math class, juggling my two jobs, my son, and one other class. I guess that's something I should be proud of. I am yet to finish my Psychology class but I know I should be able to focus on it a little more now that I'll only be on campus 3 days/week...

Every day when I feel down I can't help but to think of my childhood and things that could have been avoided... I then think about how my childhood has affected my adulthood and how I have remained untreated and my questions have remained unanswered... You see, we all have something that marks us, something that scars us... In my case it was many things. If I could go back to 2003 I would change OH, SO many things... But truth is that I can't.

I somehow, someway managed to make it through life without any addictions or bad habits and so far I have only given birth to one son.  However, being divorced, used, abused, and lied to by a drug addict can really take a toll on someone. He's been gone 2 years and I still get panic attacks. Just like a drug addict: I was addicted to his mood swings and lies. I have finally, after 5 years of dwelling, found a way to not contact him: I have found that some songs, although cliche to some, truly do apply to me and they really do help. Like a bad habit, like a dangerous drug, like something horrible that I somehow let take over my life, it has poisoned me. I have tried to go back to normal. I'm still trying. I guess "easy does it". I wonder if it'll ever end, though.

To all of you out there that feel like screaming, like giving up... Don't. You're not alone: people go through things all the time... and make it! Someone I never met said "the only thing you cannot fix is death". I think on that note, he was right.

Thanks for reading & buenas noches,

-Wen