Relapsing Once a Month?

Hello everyone!

Following my chain of codependency entries, I once again had another episode.
I had what I would call a bit of a rough couple of weeks,where I was working crazy hours, driving from one location to the next for work, and being pressed for paperwork.I was also feeling pressured by my Psychology class at my university.

I also had a dispute with AdSense after they denied an appeal I made to them...Therefore, I will be moving my blog to WordPress pretty soon. I will transfer all the content I have put on here and will add an entry letting my readers know of the move...Although I'm really not sure how many people read my ramblings:I think they kind of just stumble upon my blog by mistake and run for their lives once they read my nonsense.

View of my left thumb

Back to my codependency issues, everything around me has made me really anxious. When I get anxious, my codependency gets triggered and I end up having insomnia, become irritable, and just peel the crap of the skin on my thumbs.

When I'm anxious,I also start thinking about what should/could have happened but never did. "Just another day" is what I think to myself.Then without even noticing, I'm picking and pulling the skin off my thumbs yet once again. It then dawns on me he has yet to leave me.

I'm being told to pretend like he never existed but how could I do that when I know he did? I can't just erase him from my memory... Too long I neglected many aspects and people on my life to try to help him. For what? I seem to be in worse shape than he's ever been in!

View of my right thumb

When I was going to counseling I was told it was some form of self mutilation but I really do not enjoy it! Now I wonder if it's some form of mild Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder called Dermatillomania. As a child, I always remember either biting my nails or chewing on the skin around my fingernails and picking at it with my nails. Now that I'm an adult I find interesting that my mother does that as well and also my son is getting that bad habit of ours.

Gladly I heal quickly but I know that before I allow my thumbs to fully heal, the abuse will start again.Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it.
I guess out of all the OCD behaviors I could have either developed or kept, this thumb abusive thing isn't the worse thing in the world. It does however, remind me of how weak you can be when faced with certain situations...  Things do not get any better when he texts out of the blue asking how I'm doing. He's an addict, he will never change and I have to always remember that. If he gets any better, he will either adopt another addiction to replace his drug addiction, or will always relapse. Too long have I lived trying to change a man who does not want to help himself. Too long have I made myself unhappy because of it. Still up to this day, I find myself growing bitter and doubting good people still exist.

Thanks for reading & buenas noches,

Wen