Happy Ending?

Hello everyone!

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

It is 12:57 a.m. and I cannot sleep: what else is new?
Everything is ok... Health, basic needs, family's overall well being...
I cannot help but to think about a Happy Ending. What is it?

I found the following on Wikipedia: "A happy ending is epitomized in the standard fairy tale ending phrase, "happily ever after" or "and they lived happily ever after."

The more I reflect back on my life, the more I am starting to think such thing was not designed for me.
A few years ago I changed my life for this young man I met in town and he swept me off my feet. He was smart, funny, thoughtful, handsome, and a soldier. He was also addicted to pain killers and I believed everything he ever told me. That was my mistake.

Now, 6 years after meeting him, he claims to be rehabilitated, is in charge of a rehabilitation organization in his home town, is married and even expecting his first child.
On the other hand, I am divorced, not finished with my B.A. and not happy.
While I wish him well and Karma seems to have run it's course with him since he got in trouble for possession and even went to jail for a few weeks about 3 years ago, I am still wondering where is my happy ending.

I wish him the very best and all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. He now seems to be and he seems to be clean... He found someone who shares his same faith and background...
I am still wondering where is my happy ending.

Things in my life have always seemed to be so difficult, so hard to get, I have to always chased things and perhaps I am getting tired... I am not old by any means but I feel old and tired. I am still wondering where is my happy ending.

Thanks for reading & buenas noches,

~Wen

Death Chases All of Us

Hello everyone!

My mother always told me that we're all death's children. I never understood it until I started analyzing what she meant by it. She meant that we start aging and therefore dying little by little from the very minute we're born. She also told me that no one is ever spared and we should all make of life the very best of it.

Yesterday I was sitting at the market talking to my boss and he shared some sad news with me. The beautiful little girl whom I had blogged about took her life 2 weeks ago. After a tragic series of events took place, she ended up taking her own life.
My jaw hit the floor when my boss told me, I mean... I haven't exactly dealt with too many people dying in my lifetime, and I had really hoped to see her again.

I couldn't stop thinking about how if I had been closer to her, I could've somehow stopped it... Yes, my codependent nature kicked in and I have not been able to sleep all night. I mean, she was 17, gorgeous, troubled by her Bipolar Disorder... But full of life and in need of guidance.

I can't stop thinking I could have cheered her on and encouraged her to smile, or perhaps just have a dorky conversation with her... I believe I have been blessed (or cursed sometimes) with the ability of making people laugh. I could have told her all about my struggles, my battle with codependency, and to just be thankful that the sun shines down up on her beautiful face daily... I too, have toyed with the idea of taking my life and I believe everyone at some point does too. The difference though, is that I have someone to live for: my little boy. I think when people don't feel like they have anything to live for, then they don't feel any connection with life itself and want to walk away from it.

Nevertheless, not only do I feel the remorse of not having known her better and maybe being there for her, but I'm also angry at life... Some people go through life hurting others: cheating, stealing, drugging and are alive and kicking!... On the other hand, we have this precious angel, whose life was so complicated and mind was so troubled by her very own condition, that she couldn't go on any longer and decided to put an end to it all.

I can't believe and do not wish to imagine what it would be like to finding your child, your own flesh and blood, no longer living.

May all the angels, archangels, and all the spirits of light protect this gorgeous being and give her the healing and strength she so longed for while living.

Above all, may God bless you my child. You touched many lives, including mine. I will never forget the conversation we had that day and out embrace before you walked out of the shop.
"Keep your chin up, baby girl... There is always something awesome waiting for you to find it."

Thanks for reading & buenas noches,

-Wen

Relapsing Once a Month?

Hello everyone!

Following my chain of codependency entries, I once again had another episode.
I had what I would call a bit of a rough couple of weeks,where I was working crazy hours, driving from one location to the next for work, and being pressed for paperwork.I was also feeling pressured by my Psychology class at my university.

I also had a dispute with AdSense after they denied an appeal I made to them...Therefore, I will be moving my blog to WordPress pretty soon. I will transfer all the content I have put on here and will add an entry letting my readers know of the move...Although I'm really not sure how many people read my ramblings:I think they kind of just stumble upon my blog by mistake and run for their lives once they read my nonsense.

View of my left thumb

Back to my codependency issues, everything around me has made me really anxious. When I get anxious, my codependency gets triggered and I end up having insomnia, become irritable, and just peel the crap of the skin on my thumbs.

When I'm anxious,I also start thinking about what should/could have happened but never did. "Just another day" is what I think to myself.Then without even noticing, I'm picking and pulling the skin off my thumbs yet once again. It then dawns on me he has yet to leave me.

I'm being told to pretend like he never existed but how could I do that when I know he did? I can't just erase him from my memory... Too long I neglected many aspects and people on my life to try to help him. For what? I seem to be in worse shape than he's ever been in!

View of my right thumb

When I was going to counseling I was told it was some form of self mutilation but I really do not enjoy it! Now I wonder if it's some form of mild Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder called Dermatillomania. As a child, I always remember either biting my nails or chewing on the skin around my fingernails and picking at it with my nails. Now that I'm an adult I find interesting that my mother does that as well and also my son is getting that bad habit of ours.

Gladly I heal quickly but I know that before I allow my thumbs to fully heal, the abuse will start again.Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it.
I guess out of all the OCD behaviors I could have either developed or kept, this thumb abusive thing isn't the worse thing in the world. It does however, remind me of how weak you can be when faced with certain situations...  Things do not get any better when he texts out of the blue asking how I'm doing. He's an addict, he will never change and I have to always remember that. If he gets any better, he will either adopt another addiction to replace his drug addiction, or will always relapse. Too long have I lived trying to change a man who does not want to help himself. Too long have I made myself unhappy because of it. Still up to this day, I find myself growing bitter and doubting good people still exist.

Thanks for reading & buenas noches,

Wen

Affirmation: Smile

Hello everyone!

According to The Free Dictionary, the definition of affirmation:

 I figured I'd look for an image
and post it tonight. Pic courtesy
of The Book of Quote.

affirmation [ˌæfəˈmeɪʃən]

n

1. the act of affirming or the state of being affirmed

2. a statement of the existence or truth of something; assertion

3. (Law) Law a solemn declaration permitted on grounds of conscientious objection to taking an oath

Before I abruptly quit going to my counseling because my insurance wouldn't cover it anymore (yes, they determine how many sessions/year you need...) My counselor asked me to get in the habit of writing an affirmation daily.

There's also a wonderful website called Daily Affirmations and they always have neat things to read. I'm adding that to my links of self-help through this difficult phase. Pretty soon I realized that not even my own friends wanted to listen to me, since I always reverted to the same thing I had been running from: him. 

 My affirmation tonight is: 

"I am a lot stronger than I was yesterday". 

Thank you for reading & buenas noches,

-Wen

Bad Day: Relapse?

Hello everyone!

I guess everyone goes through their good and bad days. I have been working 7 days a week since this past Summer. Although I love my new job, it is very tiring to me. Along with going to school 5 days a week, I barely have time to do anything for myself, like... sleep maybe. I don't have any down time to spend with my son either and I feel like I'm missing out so much of his life... What can you do? Bills have to be paid.

First pic of my Sam and I at Jackson
Memorial Hospital: 4/14/2005

I am a single mother of a wonderful little boy. I do not get any child support (the NC Child Support Agency has yet to settle that down with the sperm donor... I only applied in Nov. 2011, mind you.) 
I am well aware that it could be worse. My mother and child are healthy and so am I and that's a blessing... I just truly wish I could find the strength to be perfect and never get tired. Truth is, I am exhausted.

I managed to somehow, someway get a B in my 8-week Math class, juggling my two jobs, my son, and one other class. I guess that's something I should be proud of. I am yet to finish my Psychology class but I know I should be able to focus on it a little more now that I'll only be on campus 3 days/week...

Every day when I feel down I can't help but to think of my childhood and things that could have been avoided... I then think about how my childhood has affected my adulthood and how I have remained untreated and my questions have remained unanswered... You see, we all have something that marks us, something that scars us... In my case it was many things. If I could go back to 2003 I would change OH, SO many things... But truth is that I can't.

I somehow, someway managed to make it through life without any addictions or bad habits and so far I have only given birth to one son.  However, being divorced, used, abused, and lied to by a drug addict can really take a toll on someone. He's been gone 2 years and I still get panic attacks. Just like a drug addict: I was addicted to his mood swings and lies. I have finally, after 5 years of dwelling, found a way to not contact him: I have found that some songs, although cliche to some, truly do apply to me and they really do help. Like a bad habit, like a dangerous drug, like something horrible that I somehow let take over my life, it has poisoned me. I have tried to go back to normal. I'm still trying. I guess "easy does it". I wonder if it'll ever end, though.

To all of you out there that feel like screaming, like giving up... Don't. You're not alone: people go through things all the time... and make it! Someone I never met said "the only thing you cannot fix is death". I think on that note, he was right.

Thanks for reading & buenas noches,

-Wen

Confessions of a Co-dependent

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the medical definition of codependency is:

"a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another." 

The noun means:
"An extreme dependency by one person on another who is suffering from an addiction. Common characteristics include low self-esteem coupled with a high need for approval. Not a formal psychiatric diagnosis, codependency is a psychological syndrome noted in relatives or partners of alcoholics or substance abusers."

In Science Daily it says that codependents have this "obsessive over-analyzing behavior. The mind goes round and round in circles until the emotional system either explodes or shuts down as a result of the overwhelming anxiety that is generated. Another emotional habit typical of codependents is exaggerating or “awfulizing”. Children who have grown up in addictive or traumatized family systems learn to expect the worst. They are constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. In adulthood, they are prone to place the worst possible interpretation on every event. They see neutral or even positive situations as negative, and they anticipate disaster." 

...This made so much sense to me, since my motto has always been "expect the best, yet get ready for the worst".

In the book Codependent No More, Melodie Beattie explains what it means to be codependent and gives several examples about several cases of women (and men) who are codependent and how to deal with it.

I too, am codependent. My counselor suggested I gave this book a try and since I drive over a hour every day, I decided to check it out from my local library on CD format.
While I learned much about it and found that a lot of the tendencies I have and did not understand weren't unique to the world, I have yet to break free from codependency.

Having been involved with a drug addict for years and giving up many things for him, only to find out he left me behind and broke every promise he ever made to my son and I, I still struggle to find meaning and strength in my life.

I bury myself in my work: interpreting, translating, working on weekends, making jewelry, helping my kid with his HW... But a part of me died when I realized that no matter how many things he promised me, he would never deliver.

It is a horrible feeling to be disappointed in somebody. Somebody who you loved and trusted with your life.
I had never been involved with anyone who had an addiction before: my son's father drank but it was social drinking... However, this guy's habit is serious. He even fought overseas twice and I remember him getting high right before boarding the plane. The Army knew about it, yet they deployed him anyway.

The point isn't him, his family, the Army, or the lies under which he managed to get VA benefits for life... But rather how do I pick up the pieces and move on. As soon as he left my side, he started shooting up. Perhaps even before he left.
Going from pain killers to heroin doesn't seem to be that hard, especially when you're strapped for cash. They even prosecuted him for possession and sale of narcotics not long ago: he's so sheltered that he got away with probation for three years.
It's been two long years since he's left my side and I still feel lost.

...I gave my heart to an addict. I'm trying to pull myself back together but can't seem to do it.

On Nov. 2011 I lost a dear friend to his own demons. He shot himself in the head. He had a long history of depression and drug addiction. He was the kind of guy who listened to everyone and gave everyone advice but barely anyone was there for him.
I feel guilty because the last few times I saw him alive, he was under the influence and I couldn't connect with him very well.

A few hours after I had talked to him, he finally gave up and shot himself. We went to his service...
I wonder if my ex-boyfriend will have the same fate one day. I hope not, for his own sake. I will probably feel guilty for that too, if that were to ever happen.

I will continue to pray for him, his family, myself, and mine. One day the Heavens will shine down upon him and free him (and me) from that burden.

Thanks for reading & buenas noches,

-Wen